Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Here I AM HALF A MAN

My ex-girlfriend (she was more than girlfriend to me, but I never got around to asking her) 's father passed away suddenly the other night... He was a great guy, as you know (the cowardlymidget) I am a shy individual and when ever I would go to her house (yes I am 28 so is she) her father would try so hard to make me feel comfortable... I am what I hope is a FORMER smoker and the only place I could smoke would be the garage... Hence the only place he could smoke was the garage.... Plus it was his little get away... A man living in a house with four woman (two sisters and a mom) needs a getaway... Luckily (or maybe not I dunno) he also had a stash of cold ones out there ALWAYS and ALWAYS wanted to share... My girlfriend (at the time, and not by my choice is she not anymore.... Or maybe it is, but that's a longer and deeper issue) was not a smoker, so there was never any prob making me go away to smoke when I wanted too.... I would have to go to the garage... At first it was scary... You know even though I am as old as I am.. Hanging or Meeting the parents is never easy.... But when I found out how cool this guy was it was a pleasure to get out there..... Especially after she fell asleep (we'd burn the midnight oil) this guy was amazing in personality and achievement... An ex drag bike racer.... Who set world records that can still be seen today... Not to mention one of the best Harley mechanics in the business....
I was feeling so sorry for myself prior to the days of hearing about her loss (and I still am now) I am loser... I think I'm unemployed after ten years... I was thinking of her... Good and bad thoughts.... Mostly good but the monster still rears his ugly head and I usually use this as a forum to burst... I know I missed her... I know we were trying to get back together at one point and all of a sudden we had a little argument over the internet... And I never heard from her again... I know I was trying to talk to her in the days prior to this happening and all she had to say is that she was not the constellation prize at the bottom of the cracker jack box, that really hurt.... But I've said much worse to her. I think I'm getting off the beaten path as I write this I sit here, all alone in the living room of her apartment. I sat through two sessions of a wake with a break in between (at her grandmothers house) we are talking 12 hours... With not so much as a kind gesture towards me... And it upsets me... I got a little bitchy with her but quickly reconciled (the monster rearing his ugly head again) when we got back she asked me to go into the bedroom while she wrote her speech for her dad, while she sat in the living room, again with a little adversity I obliged..... Waited patiently to hold and comfort her, when she finally finished... She told me to turn the TV and light off and she was going to sleep... She at first was going to read the speech to me but after I said maybe you shouldn't, she quickly said fine and that was that... So what am I trying to say here... Whelp, if I was at her parents house (I am not she has since moved out) and her father hadn't passed... I wouldn't think twice about this whole thing because I would be chilling with DAD.

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