Friday, April 06, 2007

What's in a wave? part 2 Hypocrite

I too have been there... and I'll go one step further and say that your worst fears about what would come up on that other end of that ringing phone has happened to me and to go one step further... my phone doesn't ring anymore (yeah I know... poor me) It doesn't bother me anymore... But it used to scare me when the phone rang and that added to the depression or lets say depressive feelings... And then when they stopped it got worse... at least in the beginning. It's been years since I've received a phone call from people I would have called my best friends, and I'm not angry or upset nor do I have depressive feelings about it, not any longer... (regrets are a different story but you can't change the past, sometimes I wonder if anyone regrets the wrongs they've done to me, but I hold no grudges... at least not many) I had problems, and I needed some guidance, but I'll tell you the best guidance that I ever received was isolation... I wallowed for years in my own depressive feelings before and after the phone calls stopped... But I never really had to take care of myself until there was no one there to do it for me (I still suck at it... but I try and that's part of the point)... If I had kept the friends I had I would never have to meet new people or fend for myself... See there is one more symptom in this personality disorder that I have been explaining about... Where it is difficult for me to talk to people I don't know (the feeling is a lot like being frightened, much like a ringing phone, but I am not afraid, that's the best I can explain it... and to top it off its often mistaken as arrogance!!!) So how do you meet new people?... If I could carry on just with the friends I had, and being completely comfortable in my own world with them I guess I wouldn't have too... But that causes serious problems in other aspects of your life.. First off let me explain a little about what my friends would do for me just one example... It is so difficult for me to talk to strangers that I have a hard time going up to the bar (at a bar) and asking for a beer, so obviously my friends would go for me and get it.. any good friend would but of course that makes them an unknowing enabler... So like I said isolation was the best guidance I ever got... If it hadn't happened I would have stayed at a job I had been at for ten years and hated simply because I was afraid to find another one.. I wouldn't meet new people (although none of them will ever be as close to me as the friends I lost) but now I am forced too and I am forced to learn to interact with people (you wouldn't believe how difficult this is when the people around you let you get away with anything because they understand and love you)... So when the phone calls stop and you just assume everyone hates you, and then you find out they do, so you just keep carrying on, and things get better day by day, or more and more numb, and you find your standing on the corner of Main St. for some unsaid reason and some one you would have called a best friends brother drives by you and waves and you wave back, maybe it would give you hope... That happened to me yesterday... I smiled...


Anonymous said...

you don't know how much your saying this can actually help other people...thank you.

4/06/2007 9:32 PM  

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